Better.

On meds now, getting better. Feeling better. Made it to the doctor the psych and all. Im doing good and can only go up from here. My husband has started back work though so that’s good and kinda hard for me but I gotta keep going I cant make him lose his job again for me, then we’ll be homeless. Either way I feel better Im doing okay, Im alive and not so scared anymore. I do hope it gets better than this though.

Huge step.

I made it to the doctor, they put me on 2 meds. Im not going to say b/c people will tell me their experiences and if any bad ones I freak out and get scared to take them. Im afraid of a lot of odd things. But anyways I have a psych appmnt in less than 2 weeks so I hope it makes me feel better b/c the psych is even farther away and the doc I went to is 3 mins away and that was very hard. Im just hoping right now and doing my best to be alright and let the meds do their job, I hope they work. Im so scared.

Didnt go to the doctor, cut more….weakness.

I have to be stronger than I think I am which is what I already do but I have to be even stronger than that to even get to the doctor that is 3 minutes from my house mind you. Im trying but my trying just seems to be curling in a ball screaming NO LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT WANT TO, but on the inside I feel ulcers forming and like vomiting and dying and I am trying keeping calm is my form of trying and hell I can barely do that….I just want to be better but I guess getting meds is going to be better and I KNOW THAT….I know everything people keep repetitively telling me but you telling me over and over wont help b/c I already tell myself the same thing just as much. JUST STOP.

Be strong?

Sigh, easier said than done, Im going to the doctor to hopefully get on meds for the first time and as many people dont know I dont ride in cars havent for almost 2 years, my husband and therapist have worked with me and I go maybe 2 miles and wanna go back home Im trying and I have really bad anticipation so Im stressed to the max and have been since the appointment was made and now it’s in the morning and Im like….O.O FUUUUUHHH, I know Ill be okay but gah my mind really hates me and I know it’s for the best but Im bad it’s hard, more the reason to do it and just go I know but….:/ ughhhhhhhhhh

Panic.

I try not to. I fight not to. Im backtracking cuz this stupid shit I hate her with all my heart. If Im dead when he returns shell blame me he’ll blame himself and Ill be dead so who can I blame..

Im weak.

I cut today. Im so exhausted I dont even care anymore. Im tired of trying not to disappoint everyone and trying to smile and trying to be ‘okay’. Im sick of it all. No Im not giving upIm not that stupid but Im pretty fed up with it.